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Sammy however is pretty miserable. Poor guy has had to wait an whole TWO weeks to start school after everyone else. It's genuinely tough to be little and watch everyone else go off to school when he is soooo excited about going back to his beloved Co-Op. Let's just say the 'Popcicle Social' on Monday to meet his teacher was the highlight of the month of August so far!! As predicted, the new schedule has left him a bit disregulated, but I DO think I'm getting better at this!! Again...pro-active pays!!
MY BABIES (MINUS SAMMY) ON THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL
I also wanted to share a REALLY great keeping it real post! I'm by far NOT the best blogger...but I have gotten alot of wonderful responses and 'thank you's' for my honesty about our difficult second adoption, our first adopted son 'spiral' after bringing home our second, our experiences with attachment disorders ect.... Unfortunately, I do think there is a painful shortage of those willing to be real and share the difficulties of adoption. But MANY of us need to know it's normal, it's ok, it passes, and there IS someone out there to reach out to. We are still growing and learning in our house. It's a rollercoaster. But I am more confident, my spouse and I are more on the same page; we have more and more family member that I THINK 'believe us' that this IS real, attachment disorders do exist and it's not just my bad parenting. (yes, I have had that said to me) All of it helps. However, my point is...THIS post is very well written...we have experienced everything this woman expresses and I'd love to add a few paragraphs from our four walls. I would have LOVED to have read this about a year and a half ago!!! I'm providing a link to the entire post...and below is my favorite highlight!! I hope someone reads this and finds comfort, inspiration and knowledge!!
You need to remember how your dear social worker told you on your 3-month visit, as she looked into your bloodshot eyes and you burst into tears, that attachment takes time…for everyone. Adoption is not the normal way, biology is, which helps us love that screaming, no-sleeping baby just madly, irrationally. But in adoption, it takes everyone time to fall in love.
And that’s okay.
So in those first few stages, you might feel like you are raising someone else’s hysterical kid. You might be chockfull of resentment, anger, disappointment, and regret. Love may feel elusive, even impossible for awhile. You might wonder if God called you to something then left you.
Normal, dear ones. So very normal. You are not a terrible person, nor is your new son or daughter a lemon. There is so much hope for everyone.
I read this paragraph by Melissa Fay Greene on the first year of adoption, and I’ve never forgotten it:
"Put Feelings on a back-burner. This is not the time for Feelings. If you could express your feelings right now, you’d be saying things like, “Oh my God, I must have lost my mind to think that I can handle this, to think that I wanted a child like this. I’ll never manage to raise this child; I’m way way way way over my head. I’ll never spend time with my spouse or friends again; my older children are going to waste away in profound neglect; my career is finished. I am completely and utterly trapped.” You see? What’s the point of expressing all that right now? Put Feelings in the deep freeze. Live a material life instead: wake, dress, eat, walk. Let your hands and words mother the new child, don’t pause to look back, to reflect, or to experience emotions. “Shut up, Emotions,” you’ll say. “I’ll check back with you in six months to see if you’ve pulled yourselves together. But no whining meanwhile!”
Here is the good news: eventually, you can pull Feelings from the deep freeze, and you’ll discover surges of genuine love sneaking up on you for this kid. You’ll find out: Oh! He’s funny! She’s sassy! He’s good at science! She is compassionate! I had no idea! You’ve mothered with your hands and words, and God did the heavy lifting, just like He promised. You don’t have to be a miracle worker; that has always been God’s territory. You just have to be the ordinary disciple who says yes.
Is adoption easy? No it is not. Is this simple? Nope. Complicated and long-term. Will bonding be immediate and seamless? Maybe, but probably not. Will you struggle with guilt and fear that first year? Yes, but you shouldn’t. You’ve agreed to partner with God in some difficult, heart-wrenching work, and it’s no kum-by-yah party. Give grace to yourself; God already has.
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting through, and adoption is one of them. I can hardly think of something closer to God’s character, who is the “Father to the fatherless, defender of widows — this is God, whose dwelling is holy.” Certainly, we are his difficult children who spaz out and pull away and manipulate and struggle. We distrust His good love and sabotage our blessings, imagining our shame disqualifies us or that God couldn’t possibly be faithful to such orphans.
But He is. We are loved with an everlasting love, and it is enough to overwhelm our own fear and shame and humanity. In adoption, God is enough for us all. He can overcome our children’s grief. He can overshadow our own inadequacies. He can sweep up our families in a beautiful story of redemption and hope and healing. If you are afraid of adoption, trying to stiff-arm the call, God is the courage you don’t have. If you are waiting, suffering with longing for your child, God is the determination you need. If you are in the early days of chaos, God is the peace you and your child hunger for. If your family feels lost, He is the stability everyone is looking for. If you are working hard on healing, digging deep with your child, God is every ounce of the hope and restoration and safety and grace.
In Him, you can do this.
He is enough for us all.
Where are you in adoption, and how has God shown Himself to be enough? Our stories give each other hope and courage. Thank you for being truth-tellers for one another.
AND, if this tiny glimpse leaves you hungry for more...here is the link for the whole post...which is equally as yummy!!
http://jenhatmaker.com/blog/2012/08/21/the-truth-about-adoption-one-year-later
I follow Jen's blog and wept with gratitude when I read it:) Yes adoption is so very hard and sometimes as a blogger it is easier to talk about the fun cute things, not the heart wrenching things. I too have a child that rages and I find that I can totally forget about it an hour later, my husband walk in ask me about my day and I say "great" and then remember oh yeah there was that rage!! I think I'm losing my mind just a tad!!!:) Thanks for the post!!
ReplyDeleteI found you off of RQ.I have been home for 3 years with my DD and we are just starting Theraplay. Oh, we have hard days. And oh I've been in the trenches. Most of my friends don't understand anxious attachment, so I love the blog world. Thanks for your honesty.
ReplyDeleteThank you for being honest! It is those who are willing to be honest that really do help others. We need to know it isn't all butterflies and rainbows. I haven't been through this process yet, but I can only imagine. I guess being an adoptive parent at times is like marriage. You have to draw upon all the good to get you though those rough times.
ReplyDeleteI know you wrote this long ago, but as someone struggling with the adoption of her two nieces you made me feel not so alone. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
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