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But I'm also an advocator...and I don't think it's fair to just paint a picture of rainbows and butterflies of adoption...or life with adopted kids. Goodness knows if you want that, their are thousands of blogs to find out there with happy smiling kids and happy smiling captions! (no offense!! I LOVE them!)
Our lives have been a challenge the last year or so since our second adoption, but especially the last six months. I find my self riding a big roller coaster ranging from rock solid 'bad ass' to curl up in a ball 'I can't take this any more'. While, the storm seems to have setteled the last few months, I've found myself in a darkdark place the last month. I've had ALOT of prayer recently, some sleepless nights, a few pity parties...and then I've realized something big and wanted to share it with my other adoptive moms...
WHY WE NEED EACH OTHER!
Adopting a child is a risk, it's a leap of faith from day one...it's a HUGEHUGE journey. I never imagined how big and I'm more certain than ever we have only just begun. Not long ago I got very focused on our 'loss'. The friends that seem distant now or the ones we just don't see anymore... The family members who have just broke my heart, shocked me with their lack of interest, cruel words ect... How lonely I've felt at 'pretending'...grinning and smiling that all was well when I was really dealing with a child who has an attachment disorder and at times wears me down to the bone and how I have to reach down for every bit of strenght I have to care for my kids...one with SB, one with ADHD. How those around really don't seem to get it or care or want to get it that parenting adoptive kids IS different and we need DIFFERENT support.... Then through prayer I've relized this isn't loss, but really growth.
We changed, they didnt. How can I be angry, sad, lonley with them when this OUR jouney, OUR calling. Deep down I want them to be more open, more interested...but really....it wasn't their choice, it was ours. At times I was angry they didn't understand what it ment and how profound it was to us to be CALLED by God to do something...we didn't expect it to be easy...but we are humans, who feel tierd and frustrated and alone and want those who love us most to come to our rescue and give us a break, be understanding....and it's been hard for me to come to understand that there are some very important people in my life who AREN'T going to do that.....(a few DO try to their ability..)
I do have an 'internet support group'. I chat on adoption sites. I superficially share my stories and sometimes 'let it out'. We have a therapist for Sammy, and we have each other. But lets be honest, all of this is a strain on a marriage too, and while we do pretty well, there's ALOT my husband doesn't get because he's not here, and as those of you with attachment kids know...they give us mom's their very best and their very worst. I have a handful of adoption friends, but I'm prideful...I want to be 'supermom'. I share more with them than anyone else, but am I honest? AND I don't have real friends with attachement kids. SO I decided I'm starting a support group, I'm approaching my therapist who works locally with ALOT of attachment families...and I decide I'm pretty smart, pretty 'pro-active'..and .as I find myself slipping into depression at times the last month ...crying ALOT the last month...I decide I will 'fix it" 'What do I need?? What's missing?" 'I'll fix myself - because I'm a survivor, and to be honest it's my way...I try to 'fix myself' alot...
( WELL, I need a break too, but that's another story!! )
I had a 'playdate' planned yesterday with a dear friend Becky...one of my adoptive mom friends who since 2008 who has gotten to know the 'new me' better than most....and I wake up in 'melt down mode'.....my sweetsweet Sammy is having a horrid attachment day....he spits at his sister...literally tries to tear down the house....terrorizes his brother, the dog, ect to name a few......and I start crying about 8am...and I CANNOT STOP~~~ like, I have to cancel the dentist appointments CANNOT STOP....I call her and don't think I can come to the park CANNOT STOP....so what does she do?? Calls and emergency 'whine and cheese' party.....she calls two other adoptive moms that have also called her before in crisis , ones I know more casually....and she comes clean and tells them how difficult of time I'm having and how I really need support....one the mom's also has an attachement kid....and I come to the park anyway...tears and alll....and I get some VERY accepting hugs and support from mom's I really 'don't know that way'....and we laugh ALOT throught my stupid tears....and we swap stories about how we all feel totally insane somedays....and it was soooo liberating and such a blessing!! 19 kids...4 moms....
WE NEED EACH OTHER GIRLS!!! If you read this and you wish for this...find your support group....CREATE IT!!!
Hi Myra. I too was let down by family and friends that just don't get it. I remember writing a similar post maybe a year ago. Hang in there, it does get better and finding the right kind of support is priceless.
ReplyDeleteDaisy
Oh Myra,
ReplyDeleteI feel like such a lame friend. Ive been so wrapped up in my own life that I have been pushing everything and everyone to the side. I mean well and plan to call back and email etc. but I never do becuase I am so consumed with my own stuff. Im just so sorry for not only not being available but also maybe not keeping it as real as I should. Ill tell you right now that I for one can join your group. It is so hard and I am one who is supportive of other adoptive moms.
So here I sit in Kunming China only about 20 hours away from receiving our 5th child and am filled with all kinds of doubt. I am nautious and feel numb. I worry if I can handle a 5th let alone a baby. Im so nervous-- Im nervous and my stomach is churning as I type this. I deep down know we will be fine but I consume myself with the what ifs and my own limitations. Im not the most patient person and while my hubby luckily balances me out on that, I still struggle with the patience and the "neat freak" side of me and just not letting things go. Having an almost 14 year old son down to a 1 year old with 3 other kids inbetween and working 4 days a week freaks me out! I honestly worry Im going to screw my kids up. Like Im going to yell at them so much that they are go to hate me. Im sooooo not perfect and am soooooo flawed and sooooooo not the patient homeschoolish mom I assume would have 5 kids. I am about as opposite of that as I can imagine. I like to work, I like to be active and away from the home and I like doing stuff. Sitting around at home with the kids is good some of the time but I find myself discontented and wanting to GO do something. I struggle with this cuz kevin is way more homebodyish and likes hanging with the kids and I struggle with this. As I type this I think-- then what am I doing getting another kid in about 20 hours-- what the heck am I doing??? But then I think about the fact that we feel called by God to do this and that He will help me do this even though I dont know I can. We are following His plan for our lives not our own and while I know it is not going to be easy, I know I will make it-- I always do-- but that does not mean I dont think what I am doing is crazy. I am so nervous I just cant think straight. I told Kev at breakfast this morinng that I am really worried I cant do this-- the lack of sleep, the juggling schedules, the 2 teen boys- the two kindergarten girls and a baby-- plus work-- I just am not sure. Kev is such a rock and he assured me that WE would handle this fine-- together. I appreciate that support but I am still not sold. Anyway, so sorry to ramble but your post hit me hard. Pray for me-- 20 hours I will be a mom of 5-- I am so freaking nervous as I sit here in my hotel room and type this. Im thinking this post is so honest and I love your honesty that I think I might post this on my blog. Not sure yet but maybe this is something that needs to be out there and spoke about more often.
Thanks for your honesty friend. I will pray for you!! Please pray for us too!!
I have followed you on and off since our 2nd adoption in 2010. I feel your sentiments EXACTLY!!!! I have cried many tears frustration and joy. We have 5 kids also, 3 adopted. One challenges us more than the other 4 put together. People think we are crazy as does our family and yes that hurts. Adoption is hard and I would LOVE a support group. Two of our adoptions were/are easy-peasy and I would never have believed the stress and hardships of others if not for our son's adoption. I had the "pretty little blog". If I am too honest with people about the hard parts of raising our son they look at me like I am crazy and a horrible person. I am a pretty positive person and love God with as much of my sinful heart as I can but some days are just HARD and I just cry! Feel free to email me if you ever want to vent. I know you don't know me but I am willing to "listen" and share. hatcher123@comcast.net and blog at popsiclesandpopcorn.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteI came over here from Christy's blog and I am so glad I did. I feel exactly the same way ALOT of the time. We have 6 kids the youngest are adopted from China. My 5 year old, first adopted, has alot of attachment issues and at times I feel so alone. You just can't expect others to understand when they have not experienced it. In all honesty if I had not, I would just think I was exaggerating her behavior, yet you know I'm not. I think the daily living of loving a child so much yet being so frustrated and helpless takes its toll.
ReplyDeleteI am so for a support group:) I just had one of those hard cry days last week!!:)
Hi Myra;
ReplyDeleteFound you through RQ. Great and honest post. Thank you for that. Lots to chew on for me personally. I guess I need at least one adoptive family in my life locally before I can start a group. LOL! Don't even have that right now, but I have found lots of awesome support on the web. And I'm grateful. Anyways, nice to meet you. I'll be happy to follow along in your future posts.
Warmly,
Luana
Myra,
ReplyDeleteI had tears streaming down my face as I read you heart felt and honest post. Thank you for your honesty. While our journey to Max has been fairly seamless I have no idea what is around the corner in the months and years to come with him. While he seems to be doing well there is no denying where our littles ones have come from and what will arise because of that. I do know God is faithful and those he calls he will equip. I am praying he gives you what you need at just the right time and you can rest in him even when you are at the end of our self. We just got a referral for #5 :) so will be joining you in the crazy big family arena. I have no idea what lies ahead but I am certain God will walk with us in the process. So thankful to have crossed paths on our journey to our sons :)
Blessings
Julie
What an amazing positive and constructive response to a fantastically difficult situation...I hope you and your family get what you need from it...
ReplyDeleteThank you for your honesty and sharing your feelings completely. I am an adopting mom in the process of a first time adoption of a 5 year old boy. I literally have NO IDEA what to expect. Reading stories from moms like you helps me to see various aspects of what could happen and helps me understand that whatever I do experience when he gets here, will likely be completely normal. Your mention of "attachment children" is causing me to research and find out exactly what that is... more education... that's a good thing. I will keep you in my prayers as you continue your journey and I basically begin mine, still waiting for LOA. Thank you again for sharing your pain, sadness, happiness and wisdom.
ReplyDeleteBlessings,
Georgia