My first "keepin in real" post happened during my trip to China...I found it very personally therapeutic, and it DID help other. At least that's the vibe I got from the PM's and comments I got, and ya'll already know I don't have one of those "aren't we the perfect family" kinda blogs.....
You can read it here http://onemoremakes4.blogspot.com/2011/01/keeping-it-real.html
Unfortunately, it's time for another...... I've hinted that this transition's been tougher...the "neoandrathal" comments...the request for parenting advice...but I've done what I usually do, smoothed it over with humor. The truth is, I've been struggling...and it started building up until I had myself a good ole fashion melt down about two weeks ago. I found myself struggling with what I call the "LOGICAL" and "ILLOGICAL" sides of my brain. Logically I KNEW that we'd only been home for two months...Logically I KNEW that this was just a blib on the screen in the big scheme of things...Logically I KNEW Will has never been in a home enviroment and his distructiveness of my home and constant getting into things was because in an orphanage he didn't have the opportunity to explore...Logically I KNEW Sam felt invaded and was trying to be "Alpha Dog" and that had a lot to do with all the fighting and bickering...Logically I knew it would get better with time....Logically I knew Will's inconsistency using the potty and fighting me to wear a diaper only to poop in his pants 30 min later is control....Logically when I was calm and saying my prayers at night- I could tell myself all these things...I could read it in my books...I could write it in my journals...I KNEW all the right things...ILLOGICALLY I was starting to feel rages at my leather chair being destroyed by the black marker, the buttons being pulled off my pillows, the red spray paint on my walls and the cologne all over my bathroom floor. ILLOGICALLY I felt resentful that Will had CHANGED my sweet Sammy and I didn't think he was ever going to change back. LOGICALLY I knew his brother would make him a better person. I felt guilty at how much time I spent refereeing them and how little attachment work I was doing, I felt guilty I didn't love him as deeply and I did Sam at this point. One day I raged to the point I spanked him and I spanked him in a fit of rage and I was ashamed.....so ashamed....and I collapsed in my floor....and I sobbed for a longlonglong time....and I knew I needed help..... NOW, before any of you start worrying and want to call a social worker.... Yes, he was safe...did I beat him...absolutely NOT....BUT I'm NOT a spanker. I've spanked my other kids, but rarely...... Last ditch effort, but I feel desperate with him, he's like a 40lb out of control 18m old that I can't contain with a baby gate or a baby carrier and I can't even make a meal or help my other kids with homework without finding crayon on the wall...he won't watch a movie, or TV WHEN I NEED HIM TO! So I called my agency...I needed a professional and they were fabulous...I got a good scolding for not reaching out to SOMEONE earlier and not taking better care of myself, and some excellent advice. I took it and I'm better Again, I can't say enough wonderful things about Madison! thank you Diane and Sara!!....still struggling but better. Today was a bad day....today their fighting went straight through me and I didn't even enjoy being in my home...and I'm admitting that. Another thing I'm admitting...Do I love Will...ABSOLUTELY!!!! Do I love as crazy deeply throw myself in front of a train like I do my birth children and like I do Sam....no, not yet......that's VERYVERY hard to admit and at first I was sooooo guilt ridden about that....but I think it's also very normal for sooooo many of us. With Sam, they handed him to me and it was just like the delivery room....instant crazymad love. and it was reciprical... With Will...he hated me (and Mike really) and alot of our trip was pretty awful and alot of our transition has been pretty awful...and it's making it tough....BUT it IS getting better.....There are days I feel like I'm babysitting some awful kid and I can't wait for him to be picked up...but nobodies coming...and there are days I thank God with all my heart he's here.....this has been SUCH an emotional rollercoaster and I"m just exhausted...BUT like I said, it's JUST a blip on the screen, and I feel God with me....and He never said this would be easy...He just said he'd be here and He is. AND I'm going to be fine and so are the kids! SOOO if you are with me now...or have been here...or this happens to you in the future...don't panic. Because, I'm actually a normal person, and I love God alot, and I'm a good mom...I'm just human...and I'm just trying to figure it out. And for now, I'm just going to "fake it until I make it" I now know what that means!!!! So pray for me friends...and let me know if I can do the same for you!!!!
Lots of love
PS - thanks Diane for suggesting this post, your right....it does feel good to get it out!!!