My first "keepin in real" post happened during my trip to China...I found it very personally therapeutic, and it DID help other. At least that's the vibe I got from the PM's and comments I got, and ya'll already know I don't have one of those "aren't we the perfect family" kinda blogs.....
You can read it here http://onemoremakes4.blogspot.com/2011/01/keeping-it-real.html
Unfortunately, it's time for another...... I've hinted that this transition's been tougher...the "neoandrathal" comments...the request for parenting advice...but I've done what I usually do, smoothed it over with humor. The truth is, I've been struggling...and it started building up until I had myself a good ole fashion melt down about two weeks ago. I found myself struggling with what I call the "LOGICAL" and "ILLOGICAL" sides of my brain. Logically I KNEW that we'd only been home for two months...Logically I KNEW that this was just a blib on the screen in the big scheme of things...Logically I KNEW Will has never been in a home enviroment and his distructiveness of my home and constant getting into things was because in an orphanage he didn't have the opportunity to explore...Logically I KNEW Sam felt invaded and was trying to be "Alpha Dog" and that had a lot to do with all the fighting and bickering...Logically I knew it would get better with time....Logically I knew Will's inconsistency using the potty and fighting me to wear a diaper only to poop in his pants 30 min later is control....Logically when I was calm and saying my prayers at night- I could tell myself all these things...I could read it in my books...I could write it in my journals...I KNEW all the right things...ILLOGICALLY I was starting to feel rages at my leather chair being destroyed by the black marker, the buttons being pulled off my pillows, the red spray paint on my walls and the cologne all over my bathroom floor. ILLOGICALLY I felt resentful that Will had CHANGED my sweet Sammy and I didn't think he was ever going to change back. LOGICALLY I knew his brother would make him a better person. I felt guilty at how much time I spent refereeing them and how little attachment work I was doing, I felt guilty I didn't love him as deeply and I did Sam at this point. One day I raged to the point I spanked him and I spanked him in a fit of rage and I was ashamed.....so ashamed....and I collapsed in my floor....and I sobbed for a longlonglong time....and I knew I needed help..... NOW, before any of you start worrying and want to call a social worker.... Yes, he was safe...did I beat him...absolutely NOT....BUT I'm NOT a spanker. I've spanked my other kids, but rarely...... Last ditch effort, but I feel desperate with him, he's like a 40lb out of control 18m old that I can't contain with a baby gate or a baby carrier and I can't even make a meal or help my other kids with homework without finding crayon on the wall...he won't watch a movie, or TV WHEN I NEED HIM TO! So I called my agency...I needed a professional and they were fabulous...I got a good scolding for not reaching out to SOMEONE earlier and not taking better care of myself, and some excellent advice. I took it and I'm better Again, I can't say enough wonderful things about Madison! thank you Diane and Sara!!....still struggling but better. Today was a bad day....today their fighting went straight through me and I didn't even enjoy being in my home...and I'm admitting that. Another thing I'm admitting...Do I love Will...ABSOLUTELY!!!! Do I love as crazy deeply throw myself in front of a train like I do my birth children and like I do Sam....no, not yet......that's VERYVERY hard to admit and at first I was sooooo guilt ridden about that....but I think it's also very normal for sooooo many of us. With Sam, they handed him to me and it was just like the delivery room....instant crazymad love. and it was reciprical... With Will...he hated me (and Mike really) and alot of our trip was pretty awful and alot of our transition has been pretty awful...and it's making it tough....BUT it IS getting better.....There are days I feel like I'm babysitting some awful kid and I can't wait for him to be picked up...but nobodies coming...and there are days I thank God with all my heart he's here.....this has been SUCH an emotional rollercoaster and I"m just exhausted...BUT like I said, it's JUST a blip on the screen, and I feel God with me....and He never said this would be easy...He just said he'd be here and He is. AND I'm going to be fine and so are the kids! SOOO if you are with me now...or have been here...or this happens to you in the future...don't panic. Because, I'm actually a normal person, and I love God alot, and I'm a good mom...I'm just human...and I'm just trying to figure it out. And for now, I'm just going to "fake it until I make it" I now know what that means!!!! So pray for me friends...and let me know if I can do the same for you!!!!
Lots of love
Myra
PS - thanks Diane for suggesting this post, your right....it does feel good to get it out!!!
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"Sometimes I'd like to ask God why He allows poverty, famine and injustice when He could do something about it. But I'm afraid God might ask me the same question."
Girl, I'm with you, I'm praying for you, I feel you, and I've been right there. The best thing that I've been told is to let go of some of the adoption parenting...and just parent like you know how. It has been so refreshing to not worry about every move I make screwing up attachment, so much that I become a better mama and don't resent the behavior..i just parent it.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing and putting it out there. I'm here if you ever need me :)
Loves
I remember not feeling that overwhelming sense of love with the kid. I felt horribly guilty because there was nothing I'd wanted in my life more than him. It took time. And, just like you know you will, I knew I'd get there. But, the not being there right away, made me feel like crap. And he was an infant, I can only imagine the added challenge of having a little caveman running amock!
ReplyDeleteI admire you for admitting your struggle and asking for help. I wish I had faced how I was feeling and reached out. You're such a strong woman, a beautiful momma.
Myra,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for posting. We will shortly bring two more boys into our fold and I have some of the same concerns you seem to be experiencing. I know at times, even though DS2's tansition was great in comparison, I lost it with him when I could have handled things differently. There is fear and helplessness when you are in the middle of the storm. I know God is with you and I know he will be with us. I applaud you for sharing the "ugly" of the process. I hope to be as brave.
Sheila
Myra - I know you called me and I called back (yes, it was late that day) and I apologize. We need to talk - maybe tomorrow. As you know, our transition this time has also been SO different than with Elizabeth. It DOES help to talk to people who have BTDT. One person (another adoptive mom who also had a difficult time) had wonderful advice: sometimes, you just need to spend some time grieving over the loss of the child you dreamed about and planned for. Once you get past that, you can deal with (and even appreciate and love) your new little one. I wasn't really able to move forward until I dealt with the "loss" of the child we thought we were getting. Sweet Kimi is finally starting to show signs of bonding with me. It continues to be a very slow process. Its good you can see the "logical" side still and good that you talked to Diana and Sara. And thanks for keeping it real - people who are in the middle of the process need to know the truth - the good, the bad AND the ugly. I will continue to pray for Will's (and your family's) transition.
ReplyDeleteOh Myra! Thank you for sharing, and you are an amazing mom and person. Although I just have the two kids, I went from a girl to a boy, and boys are wired so differently...I can't imagine having two of them the same age and going from girls to boys...it's a whole new ball game. Also, our daughter was so calm, rarely got in trouble, and then came Tyson who was controlling and angry, and it rocked my world. You will get through it! I love you girl, and God loves you too!
ReplyDeleteHi Myra! Miss you guys but still don't miss China yet (ha). Thinking about and praying for you all! After reading your post I'm kinda glad I was laid up in Guangzhou...ha - just kidding of course. What was that nickname ya'll kept using on the train to HK..let's see... oh nevermind :). Seriously, though, you guys take care and know these KY folks are lifting you up to the One who can & will work it out. And, oh yeah, GO CATS!
ReplyDeleteLove ya'll
Kevin
Myra-
ReplyDeleteI was wondering how you were doing today, and I check your blog to find you in a puddle of tears. I'm sorry, sweetie...I know...it's hard. And you are doing GREAT!
I didn't love either of my girls at first. I'd say I'm quite "fond" of Big Girl at this point, 4 months home...this week with spring break? I am counting the minutes till she goes back to school...boredom, a sick sister, and jealousy over sister's birthday have created a nasty 9 year old cocktail. So I get it.
And the best advice I can give is: Never ever ever feel guilty about your feelings. I always tell my girls, it's ok to feel how you feel, no one can take that from you...what's important is how you act. Do NOT deny your feelings. It does no one any good. And you won't love them in the same way - they are different kids.
Always here to talk, ok?
Hugs...Kelly
I felt like I was reading my own post. I was/am you. We have been home a yr on May 2 and it is better but we had days and days of horrible-I cried heaps.Everything you said was me!! You can read our blog Popsicles and Popcorn and go back a few months. I felt so alone and did get counseling..he said I was normal and that helped. Gave me some good advice. I am more in love with him now but still not the same. I have grown and God has been there to show me what I have needed. Still hard though. Please know you are not alone. My email is hatcher123@comcast.net. Amy
ReplyDeleteOh Myra, I am so sorry you are going through this. I guess it is normal at this stage. My first 2 kids (biological) would fight like cats and dogs, no worse, until grown! They love each other but it did stress me out and I felt just like you describe. My oldest was and often is still a difficult child to parent. I loved them but didn't like their behavior or even them sometimes. Hang in there. It gets better. Communication is key and we are still struggling with Leah in that department, (who also appears to be allergic to TV or anything that requires one to be still for more than a second). We need to talk, I recognize some similarities and maybe we have some answers for each other)
ReplyDeleteDaisy
I think it's especially true with us older adopters that we do not have the people to call on that we had when our other children were young. Those people are older too, or they're around but not as excited about your adoption as you are. So gives these other moms a call-the ones who have posted that they're experiencing similar problems or have been through them already. I'm planning to call you if we run into this! When our first daughter had her first child, I told her that there are times in parenting when you are exhausted, the baby is crying, and you've done everything you could to care for him but he WON'T STOP! And you don't know what to do. I told her that you get angry enough at them that you fear your own feelings and thoughts, and for her not to think twice-call me immediately. I'll come over, I'll talk you through it, whatever it takes. If it means closing the baby in another room, and walking away while he cries, do it. It's better than losing it. She called a couple of times with the first son, but not with the second. I know that you don't have as much support as you could have, and that you can't shut Will in a room because he won't stay, but the idea is the same. You need respite. You need someone on the other end of the phone. So make these posts, and make those calls.
ReplyDeleteTake care,
Ruby
Myra, you know how frustrated I was for months when we got home with Caileb. I loved him to pieces, but he was so stubborn and pushed me most days. He used peeing and food as control issues, and I had never dealt with that! No matter how prepared we thought we were, it threw us for a loop! I do think adopting older children presents different challenges, and I can't imagine what it is like to have other children in the home at the same time! Caileb has come so far thank goodness! However, now he is having issues with being extremely mischievious at school! I can't count how many notes we have received lately! LOL! We are working on it but it is a process! God does answer prayers! You will definitely get through this. As I told you when you guys came to see us, your family is awesome, and it was amazing to watch the girls with Sam and Caileb. You guys are in my prayers!
ReplyDeleteJackie
Thank you for sharing. We are in process, and it helps to know what we may face. I'm glad you sought help and wrote it down for yourself and the rest of us. I actually told my husband last week that sometimes I feel like a babysitter and wonder when the parents are coming home, and that was with my bio boys. Prayers for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteHugs Myra! You're not alone and I think everything that is happening is a normal part of "the transition". Doug and I talk about it all the time.... the dreaded 6-12 months of craziness. Gotta go... ones crying as we speak. AAAHHHH!!!
ReplyDeleteWe don't know each other, but most adoptive parents of older toddlers/young children (if they are honest) will think you've been spying on them and their family. What you are writing is SO normal. I think you said it best when you said something like "God is with me but He never said it would be easy." Things will get better, but it really may be very difficult for a while. I'm glad you have given yourself permission to not love Will as much as your other children yet. That is part of being real! Love will come in time, but for now commitment and caring is good. I think you sound like a great mom!
ReplyDeleteI just realized a little while ago after being home over a year that I can finally say I love my daughter. It took that long. I would have defended her against anything. I gave her lots of hugs and kisses and told her I loved her all the time, but it wasn't feeling real in my heart until lately. I went from an extremely well behaved and complient son who I hardly had to punish to a strong-willed, defiant two year old and we didn't have that cute, dependant on me stage to bond before the terrible twos. It is getting better. She is still naughty at times, but I think we both have changed and it isn't as annoying to me. I think it was hard that she didn't act like my son acted at 2-what I perceived as appropriate 2 year old behavior.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. It will get better.
Joy
Thank you for this post - I know it will help others. I wish I had read posts like it before we came home.
ReplyDeletePraying for you, girl. I have to say...I'm terrified of being in the same place in a few months!!! Praying I won't be, but if I am...I know where to find you!!!
ReplyDeleteLove your honesty. It does nobody good for you to act like everything is just great!