Saturday, January 22, 2011

Keepin' it real........

Hi guys! sorry for the silence, we are now in Guangzhou...sweet sweet Guangzhou! It's a wonderful 50-60* something degrees and in a day and a half it's been fabulous for the mood! I am genuinely happy to be here. I've already been united with some cyber friends I was anxious to meet and made some new quick friends! It truly is adoptive parent heaven here, especially after being cooped up due to the cold and it just being really did wear us down. Which brings me to the heart of this post and the real reason for my silence....

Adoption is filled with ups and downs....the entire process, from the time you start scanning waiting child lists or waiting for your referral from the time you get on the plane. The trip is no different, but I think as bloggers we are very hesitent to post the ugly. We all want the Cinderella story and we want to remember China fondly in the future so we try to block out the bad parts...Well, it would be easy for me to skim over the last two days and just focus on how much better we are feeling and doing, but after talking with one of my new friends Lisa...I think this may help others waiting to travel and maybe someone else who experiences something similar.

I mentioned briefly how Will was VERY attached to Mike. What I didn't mention was at times he was completely rejecting me. Not allowing me to touch him, get close ect... A few times in public he would even say thing such as "get away from me" "I don't want you" "don't touch me" in Chinese of course. This however got alot of laughter from anyone within ear shot. So not only was I being rejected...but at times a little humiliated. We DID have great moments in the room. We played, I fed him, held him, bathed him ect... But in public I was "the devil"

And the peeing problem! GEESH is that a problem. He stays dry all night, dry in the room, and even dry some days. But when we are out, especially if he doesn't want to be he urinates and urinates and urinates...somedays up to 6-7 accidents. We've tried diapers and CAUSED! major fits melt downs ect...We went against all the adoption advice after much frustration on our part and wrestled him into them a few times. But as soon as he was set free, he'd take his pant off and rip them off....(yes, we consider duct tape and staples :0) Our room smelled like a nursing home...we were constanly running out of dry clothes and buying new pants to have them last 30 minutes or less sometimes.  Of course the logical side of my HURTS, ACHES for him...his loss, all the change, his world turned upside down and this is ALL he can control - I GET IT...but the reality of taking a wet kid out in 25* weather all the time - the angry little Chinese women, the smell the mess...NOT fun! 

Now, let's briefly discuss expectations....I pepped talked myself like everyother well prepared adoptive mom..."don't compare this to Sam's adoption," "go with the flow" "prepare for the worst,pray for the best" I did those things ALOT! But I'm human...and two things happened. The finding was such an emotional profound experience with Sam...and I felt very little with Will. And it came time to leave Nanjing....even though I logically KNOW things will come with time..I KNOW this little guy is grieving and trying to control anything he can...I KNOW all of this is just transition...I became wrecked with guilt....guilt that I wasn't just CRAZY in love with him like I was Sam at this point...Guilt that I wasn't emotional about leaving him homeland Jiangsu...(I was dying to leave...couldn't wait to get on the plane)...guilt that yes! despite all my efforts to not have expectations...I WAS disappointed. So as we are sitting in the lobby waiting to go to the airport, I started crying...and I cried, and cried, and cried and literally didn't stop for about five hours. I got good at carrying on conversations with those at airport check in and security with huge amounts of tears freely flowing down my face...those of you that have been here know how the Chinese stare's not insulting,or rude it's just what they they stared, and that made me cry more....everything made me cry it just all came out...poor mike didn't know what to do. And since I'm being honest..he was part of the problem...we've been cooped up together for to long...he's gotten grumpy at Will constantly hanging on him and at having to change all the dirty a way I don't blame him I know he's not used to it...but in a way he's been TOO grumpy and short tempered with Will and it's added to my emotions and we'd been bickering. He was trying so hard to be supportive and he was being VERY sweet, but I knew he didn't get it. I needed girl support from adoption land...I needed my cyberfriends...and to make it worse...there is a computer glitch and I haven't been able to get on my chatgroup all week to vent.(if any of my RQ friends are reading this please send a pm to a modirator and ask SOMEONE to unban me pls!) And of course the PeeMonster has wet his pants 2-3 times while all this is happening and we are out of dry pants and he's just stinking and walking around wet. He's NOT happy because he wants Mike to hold him and he of course won't and this causes a few melt downs..In all the crazy mess, I keep thinking..POOR WILL, poor awful all this is for nuts as I feel, it has to be a million times worse for least I had an opportunity to form an expectation...all this thought...I swear I wish I could just turn all my emotions off! and just left/right/left/right...but I can't...even though I TRIED to prepare myself somewhere in my brain I might need to do that for turn off everything for Will..and I feel like a failure because of it...I feel weak and fragile.. and nuts!!!  LORD help me...

We finally make it to Guangzhou and Will was GREAT flyer! Its midnight by the time we get to our room and we handwash and hairdry one pair of pants for the next day...we have to meet our guide and the five other families at 9a in the lobby for medical appts. We sleep well and Will stays dry! and meet everyone again at breakfast. Will has JUST gone to the bathroom before leave the room, and we haven't even filled our plates when...guess what!!!! Well, we had nothing to change him into and are of course embarrased and feel like we need to tell everyone the whole story and why we have no clothes and why he's not in pullups, and I start gushing just because someone would listen and well... I started crying again and couldn't stop...the good news is...there was some wonderful support there and just being able to talk it out and here others stories from previous adoptions and this helped tons.  NICE first impression!

Lisa and I were talking how ALL of us had a story...but the blogs were all so pretty and noone shares the ugly and it makes you feel worse if it's your first adoption especially. Luckily I knew I was 'Normal' I just needed a break from it all and warm weather and ears and support.

So I hate to make this post sound about poor poor pitiful me..because I'm blessed and I'm grateful and I've thanked God every night for this wonderful boy. and I KNOW his pain and loss trumps my issues x 10000000!!!!!   But as the post said...I'm keeping in real. Adoption isn't if you are here or coming here....don't forget it...and don't be to hard on yourself or your family if maybe at times you wonder "what the heck is happening" or even "what the heck have we done" Pray hard and hang passes...I promise!!!

and by the way...I got kisses and hugs and he put a diaper on all by himself before bed last night!!! I'd call that progress!


  1. Girl...Gotta love "real". I agree... It's HARD! The peeing and the hubby would be driving me crazy too! Your crying story reminded me of mine in the USCIS office! Adoption will make you do some things you just never thought you would do!! Good and bad!! I know GZ is exactly what you need. I'm praying for good weather so you can get out and shop!! That always helps!!

    Hope you have a wonderful day!!

  2. Sorry to hear this, Myra. Hopefully when you're home and he can actually witness your family dynamics, including your role in the family, it will get better. It's hard to cope with it at any time, but especially when you're exhausted and not on your own turf.

    My best,

  3. Oh, Myra - I almost cried, myself, when I read how much you have had to deal with! I'm so sorry - I'm sending you a BIG cyber hug as I write! Better yet, I will pray God gives you the peace that passes all understanding! Thanks for feeling free to share. You'll be home soon.


  4. Hey guys - Not even sure where to begin but of course I will start with "been there done that". You cannot have the queen of complete panic and what in the world have we done award because I of course already claimed that five years ago. I just want to remind you that things will even out and you will bond and have a hard time remembering the difficult first weeks/months. I look at our precious daughter and although I know I struggled (hard!!) it seems like a different person. Almost like a dream. You guys are exhausted and you are dealing with a little guy that has experienced a trauma in his life. Each day everyone will adjust and you will come together as a family. Hang in there, try to take a deep breathe and even though I wanted to scream when people said this to me while I was in the middle of my meltdown, try your hardest to enjoy this time and take everything in. I DEEPLY regret my fog in China and absolutely cannot wait to return with a clear mind. We love you guys - please call or e-mail if we can offer support or advice. I promise Myra there is NO WAY you are being crazier than I was and you will be fine!!!!!!

    The Bowe gang

  5. I am so sorry Myra that this is so overwhelming. I am sure we can all relate. I have always said "adoption is not for the faint of heart". The changes are hard for a baby, I cannot even imagine for a 4 year old, that has to be the toughest age. Older children can at least understand the concept of adoption and a baby knows something has changed but he just wants to be fed, kept dry and comfortable. The peeing thing will get to anyone, it has to be his nerves, (not to mention the cold). I hope things improve in Guangzhou. I will keep you in my prayers and add you to my intentions at Mass tomorrow. Hang in there, girl.

  6. Your experience sounds a lot like ours in China. Ty totally took to Dan and didn't want me at all, and it wore on Dan so much. I requested prayer, and it really helped. I will pray for Mike specifically, to renew his strength and spirit. You hang in there, OK! You'll be home before you know it.

  7. Praying Isaiah 40:31 over you tonight! It is good to hear from you. Enjoy the warm weather and the company!

  8. Oh Myra! I'm so sorry!!!!!!! My heart goes out to you. I will pray that things mellow out soon! Hang in there!!!!!!! (((((((HUGS))))))))

  9. Myra,

    I am feeling so badly for you! I loved how you expressed your feelings in the blog and appreciate your honesty. Adoption is not always a bed of roses, and it is good that you shared your experiences. I'm here for you always and just know I'm praying and thinking about you. It is not easy to deal with problems when you are somewhere other than your home. You already know it will get better. Hang in there. You will be home before long!


  10. I'm SO glad you posted the "real" part of adoption. You are right that too many times, APs go into this thinking it is all sunshine and roses because that is what they hear. I applaud you for being open and honest with what's happening. It is hard sometimes to not get caught up in the fairy tale expectations - even when you KNOW there are going to be difficult parts. Hang in there - only a few more days and you'll be back home on your own turf and you'll be able to handle things better.

  11. Thanks for being real. We are heading over to pick up our little guy in a few weeks and he is about the same age as Will. The part of the story about him pushing you away reminded me of our adoption of Claire. She was 2 1/2 and by the end of the first day was totally attached to Paul and would have nothing to do with me. Nothing! Pushed me away, shook her head no, cried if I held her. HATED me. She softened only a little in Guangzhou because Paul put her in a stroller (something I don't think she'd ever seen before) and I "rescued" her from it by taking her out of it when she had a meltdown. But I still was not preferred. Everything changed when we finally got home. Paul immediately had to go out of town. It was me or nothing! She's a total Mama's girl now! Sending prayers your way!

  12. Oh Myra...I wish I could come help you. I wish I could come give you a hand and a box of wipes...

    Don't be ashamed. Don't be upset...LOTs of people sugar coat, lots of people keep the bad private for 1001 reasons (pride, family reading, not wanting to think about it again)...get it out. Talk to all your what helps you mentally get thru it.

    Hugs and a martini being sent your way!
    Love ya - Kelly

  13. I know the feeling very well! When we adopted our son in 2006 we went through similar things. Not the urinating, but he would run away from us, go limp.. I was actually head butted in an immigration line.. I received a right hook to the eye, I was spit on. My husband was peed on and had poop wiped on him. We both cried and cried and wondered what had we done! Well, I can tell you when we got home things were getting better... our son did not come to me for anything until we had been home almost a year! I went to counseling because I just couldn't love him and I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, not him, me. Well, after all that I can't imagine life without him in our family. I love him and he loves me. We are a family. What does all this mean, it means, things will work out. things do change and get better. You are doing great! And the relief of being in Guangzhou is immense. We felt it too. Your son is also scared. Scared of the unknown. Scared of where he is going and leaving all that is known behind, while being excited for a new adventure.

  14. Myra, I'm a keep it real person too. I did keep it real while posting in China but I get what you're saying. Most don't.

    Oh my. BTDT on much of what you shared even the soiling of clothes. UGH! Our 5YO son looks terrible in his adoption day pic (which as you know follows them onto their CoC, adoption cert., all of the official docs) but it was all the clothes we had! Plus much of what we brought was say too big.

    Oh and the feeings not being the same. BTDT too. I won't share with you how we are 6 months PP b/c for me, it has been a slow growth in my heart. And it really SHOCKED me too. I know, I know all of the realities and what might happen, but when it happens to you after you are totally IN LOVE from the start with your 1st adoption--well it is just plain hard.

    Anyway, I'm hopingfor08 from RQ. Saw someone posting about you. ShelleyYork is trying to reach you btw if you have her email. Just saw her post on the site. I don't have any contact info. for her but just saw the post.

    Glad you are in GUZ. Understand that feeling too!

    Many hugs and prayers, Leslie

  15. I think as mommies in general we don't do justice to each other in verbalizing the hard parts of parenting. This is also true with adoption. I blog because I find it theraputic to put all the hard parts "out there". I hope you find this helpful for you, as I know it will be for others. Will will know you are his momma and love you somethin' fierce. And you, the awesome mommy you are, will love him for the bullheaded, terrific little guy he is. Love takes time, for everyone. You'll both get there. Sending you big virtual hugs. Also prayed for you, Mike, and Will at mass this morning.

  16. Myra,
    I am so sorry for the difficult time you all have had, but am glad to hear of the steps of progress. And there will be lots more as you go on. I want you to know I will be praying for your strength and your family's cohesion, and Will's grieving. You are being thought of by many in the adoption world and we are pulling for you. Thank you for sharing your heart and we look forward to the day you can laugh about the situation :)
    Until then, hold onto your faith and take it one day at a time.
    Hugs to you,

  17. I'm sorry, Myra. No getting around the fact that some adoptions are just harder than others. Our 1st daughter was difficult, but in the previous year, we had lost two of our birth children, and so nothing she could have done would have phased me a whole lot. Our 3rd daughter was an 8 year old firecracker. My husband went to China alone for her, and she did everything in her power to show him that she detested him. He was alone in a foreign country with no support until reaching Guangzhou. Nightmare does not begin to describe it, and quite honestly, I blogged very little about all that because I was afraid others would say rude things. (This probably would not have been the case in actuality.)

    I have posted to you on the SB Yahoo Group, and please know that I'll keep the three of you in my prayers. You'll be home soon!

    ~Linda Shoemate (Colorado)

  18. send everyone out(including hubby) and make him spend time with only you-unless of course your husband is going to be the primary caregiver at home. The peeing would drive me insane but you can deal with that at home. If it makes you feel any better, I had difficulty with my 2nd adopted son. It was totally more to deal with (medically) than I was prepared for. And he had/has habits that drive me insane! still dealing with some. But it all stems from orphanage living (and he's from Haiti). Oh Myra, it will come, but you already know that. I don't know why every adoption can't start off with warm fuzzy's. You are definetely not alone! And being real will help so many who are waiting! Hang in there! It's been over a year and I finally feel like we are bonding. it's taking a long time but it's coming. (he had peeing issues too!) God bless you and have a safe trip home!

  19. So sorry for what you are going through. My granddaughter was only 9 mos old when adopted and we didn't go through any of that. I'm sure things will get better for everyone. I think being in China also makes things a little worse. I was always so tired and things are just so different. Hang in there, better days are coming. Blessings