Keepin' it real........

Hi guys! sorry for the silence, we are now in Guangzhou...sweet sweet Guangzhou! It's a wonderful 50-60* something degrees and in a day and a half it's been fabulous for the mood! I am genuinely happy to be here. I've already been united with some cyber friends I was anxious to meet and made some new quick friends! It truly is adoptive parent heaven here, especially after being cooped up due to the cold and it just being us...it really did wear us down. Which brings me to the heart of this post and the real reason for my silence....

Adoption is filled with ups and downs....the entire process, from the time you start scanning waiting child lists or waiting for your referral from the time you get on the plane. The trip is no different, but I think as bloggers we are very hesitent to post the ugly. We all want the Cinderella story and we want to remember China fondly in the future so we try to block out the bad parts...Well, it would be easy for me to skim over the last two days and just focus on how much better we are feeling and doing, but after talking with one of my new friends Lisa...I think this may help others waiting to travel and maybe someone else who experiences something similar.

I mentioned briefly how Will was VERY attached to Mike. What I didn't mention was at times he was completely rejecting me. Not allowing me to touch him, get close ect... A few times in public he would even say thing such as "get away from me" "I don't want you" "don't touch me" in Chinese of course. This however got alot of laughter from anyone within ear shot. So not only was I being rejected...but at times a little humiliated. We DID have great moments in the room. We played, I fed him, held him, bathed him ect... But in public I was "the devil"

And the peeing problem! GEESH is that a problem. He stays dry all night, dry in the room, and even dry some days. But when we are out, especially if he doesn't want to be he urinates and urinates and urinates...somedays up to 6-7 accidents. We've tried diapers and pullups...it CAUSED! major fits melt downs ect...We went against all the adoption advice after much frustration on our part and wrestled him into them a few times. But as soon as he was set free, he'd take his pant off and rip them off....(yes, we consider duct tape and staples :0) Our room smelled like a nursing home...we were constanly running out of dry clothes and buying new pants to have them last 30 minutes or less sometimes.  Of course the logical side of my HURTS, ACHES for him...his loss, all the change, his world turned upside down and this is ALL he can control - I GET IT...but the reality of taking a wet kid out in 25* weather all the time - the angry little Chinese women, the smell the mess...NOT fun! 

Now, let's briefly discuss expectations....I pepped talked myself like everyother well prepared adoptive mom..."don't compare this to Sam's adoption," "go with the flow" "prepare for the worst,pray for the best" I did those things ALOT! But I'm human...and two things happened. The finding spot...it was such an emotional profound experience with Sam...and I felt very little with Will. And it came time to leave Nanjing....even though I logically KNOW things will come with time..I KNOW this little guy is grieving and trying to control anything he can...I KNOW all of this is just transition...I became wrecked with guilt....guilt that I wasn't just CRAZY in love with him like I was Sam at this point...Guilt that I wasn't emotional about leaving him homeland Jiangsu...(I was dying to leave...couldn't wait to get on the plane)...guilt that yes! despite all my efforts to not have expectations...I WAS disappointed. So as we are sitting in the lobby waiting to go to the airport, I started crying...and I cried, and cried, and cried and literally didn't stop for about five hours. I got good at carrying on conversations with those at airport check in and security with huge amounts of tears freely flowing down my face...those of you that have been here know how the Chinese stare freely...it's not insulting,or rude it's just what they do...so they stared, and that made me cry more....everything made me cry more...so it just all came out...poor mike didn't know what to do. And since I'm being honest..he was part of the problem...we've been cooped up together for to long...he's gotten grumpy at Will constantly hanging on him and at having to change all the dirty clothes...in a way I don't blame him I know he's not used to it...but in a way he's been TOO grumpy and short tempered with Will and it's added to my emotions and we'd been bickering. He was trying so hard to be supportive and he was being VERY sweet, but I knew he didn't get it. I needed girl support from adoption land...I needed my cyberfriends...and to make it worse...there is a computer glitch and I haven't been able to get on my chatgroup all week to vent.(if any of my RQ friends are reading this please send a pm to a modirator and ask SOMEONE to unban me pls!) And of course the PeeMonster has wet his pants 2-3 times while all this is happening and we are out of dry pants and he's just stinking and walking around wet. He's NOT happy because he wants Mike to hold him and he of course won't and this causes a few melt downs..In all the crazy mess, I keep thinking..POOR WILL, poor baby...how awful all this is for him...as nuts as I feel, it has to be a million times worse for him...at least I had an opportunity to form an expectation...all this thought...I swear I wish I could just turn all my emotions off! and just left/right/left/right...but I can't...even though I TRIED to prepare myself somewhere in my brain I might need to do that for Will...to turn off everything for Will..and I feel like a failure because of it...I feel weak and fragile.. and nuts!!!  LORD help me...

We finally make it to Guangzhou and Will was GREAT flyer! Its midnight by the time we get to our room and we handwash and hairdry one pair of pants for the next day...we have to meet our guide and the five other families at 9a in the lobby for medical appts. We sleep well and Will stays dry! and meet everyone again at breakfast. Will has JUST gone to the bathroom before leave the room, and we haven't even filled our plates when...guess what!!!! Well, we had nothing to change him into and are of course embarrased and feel like we need to tell everyone the whole story and why we have no clothes and why he's not in pullups, and I start gushing just because someone would listen and well... I started crying again and couldn't stop...the good news is...there was some wonderful support there and just being able to talk it out and here others stories from previous adoptions and this helped tons.  NICE first impression!

Lisa and I were talking how ALL of us had a story...but the blogs were all so pretty and noone shares the ugly and it makes you feel worse if it's your first adoption especially. Luckily I knew I was 'Normal' I just needed a break from it all and warm weather and ears and support.

So I hate to make this post sound about poor poor pitiful me..because I'm blessed and I'm grateful and I've thanked God every night for this wonderful boy. and I KNOW his pain and loss trumps my issues x 10000000!!!!!   But as the post said...I'm keeping in real. Adoption isn't easy...so if you are here or coming here....don't forget it...and don't be to hard on yourself or your family if maybe at times you wonder "what the heck is happening" or even "what the heck have we done" Pray hard and hang on...it passes...I promise!!!

and by the way...I got kisses and hugs and he put a diaper on all by himself before bed last night!!! I'd call that progress!